New Old Stuff

Having spent the last few years languishing in the dark cobwebbed recesses of a forgotten hard drive, over thirty articles have been made available once more in our brand new third archive. Now benefiting from new artwork and the occasional tweak, these articles first appeared between 2000 and 2006.

Read about Edward Smiley's Cold Fusion Sandwiches, read Belinda Sommers' review of Barney's Magic Wonder Show, or about the Ladies of Melton Mowbray Rotary Club and their attempt to track down the yeti and give it a makeover.

There's the latest news from the Fish Olympics, a chance to get hold of a quality professionally grown beard, and a disturbing report on the latest outbreaks of cake rage.

Check out the archive here.

Pork

"We do still have an obligation to tackle the obese. And by that, I don't mean that we should leap on them as they waddle down the street. Tempting though it is to wrestle fatty to the ground and scream obscenities at him for his own good, I would not personally attempt it without protective clothing and heavy lifting gear."

This week Dr Bongo debates the wisdom of shovelling a constant diet of cake and burgers down your gullet, and demonstrates his customary sympathy for those whose addictions outstrip their metabolisms.

The Bongo Lectures

Shopping

"If there's one thing that is guaranteed to reduce human civilisation to its knees, spread doom and pestilence across the face of the Earth and forever scatter all of mankind's mighty works to the four winds, it's shopping."

This week Dr Bongo discusses the agony of shopping, in a thinly veiled attempt to plug his DVD, Beating Cerebral Mildew.

"Quite why people are prepared to gather in great numbers in these cathedrals to the clueless is something I have never been able to fathom. Speaking as someone who prefers to stand apart from the baying throng, I fail to understand how these cretins can tolerate each other's company. In my own considered opinion - which, being a doctor, is both considered and considerable - the only factor that enables them to get through the day without one of their fellow citizens, in a moment of uncontrollable altruism, sticking a pick axe through their brains, is the shortage of decent pick axe shops."

"I don't like to blow my own trumpet - I have a man who comes in twice a week to do that for me, and a lady down the road very kindly shakes my maracas every third Sunday."

This week Dr Bongo addresses the issue of speed: what happens to people when they travel very very fast and, more importantly, what's left of them after they suddenly stop.

The Bongo Lectures: Speed

"We have strong indications that travelling at speed causes shrinkage to the human frame. In some cases, our subjects were as much as two feet shorter following the high velocity test, although it is unclear at this point whether this is a result of the actual journey, or the steel reinforced wall that we used to stop them at the other end."