An important announcement about your Sluggo Slug Repair Kit

Many readers may have recently purchased the Sluggo Slug Repair Kit after seeing an advert on this page. The distributors have made us aware that a number of these kits have been sent out without the correct documentation and have asked us to reprint the instructions here. Of course, we realise that it's a sad day indeed when intelligent people cannot be trusted to figure out the fundamental principles behind mending broken slugs. Indeed, I'm sure we all remember the basics from school biology lessons, along with untying worms and welding badgers, but in the interests of keeping the Health and Safety people sweet, here goes:

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Step 1 
Locate the puncture by placing the slug in a bucket of water and looking for the bubbles. Don't worry, the water won't harm your slug, but remember to hold his nose otherwise when he comes out he'll be all sneezy and cross.

Step 2 
Carefully dry your slug using a fluffy towel, hair dryer or blow torch.

Step 3 
Apply a few dabs of slug glue to the special patch, fix over the puncture and make sure you achieve an airtight seal by stamping on it repeatedly and laughing manically for about twenty minutes.

Step 4
Inflate your slug to 30 psi (or 38 psi if fully laden). CAUTION: Be careful not to over-inflate your slug. Over-inflation will give it wind and make its eyes bulge, and anything over 45 psi will make it go off like a rocket.

Step 5
And you're done! Your snotty little pet is now good to go. Make sure he watches where he's going next time.

Space Cress

Scientists may be one step closer to identifying a candidate for dark matter, the unknown substance that accounts for nearly 85% of the mass of the universe.  Professor Boz Dangler, Visiting Professor of Peanuts at CERN, says that inspiration struck him as he was tucking into a salad in the staff canteen.  "I noticed that while the celery, the lettuce, the radishes and the tomatoes were all easily identifiable, a significant portion of the total mass of my lunch appeared to be hidden.  It was only when I looked under the cucumber that I noticed the cress.  Tasteless and odourless, the cress only reacted weakly with the other ingredients and was therefore almost impossible to detect.  It was then that I realised that the universe's missing mass must be cress.  Not ordinary cress, of course - that would be silly.  Space cress."

The Professor may not have to wait too long for proof of his theory.  Next month the European Space Agency will launch OCO, the Orbital Coleslaw Observer, which will train its instruments on the Carina nebula, a vast cloud of expanding balsamic vinegar which has recently been the subject of much speculation as it is thought to contain herbs which do not occur naturally on Earth. 

The History of Rock

Part Four: Hawkwind

 Hawkwind were a space rock band from the planet Regulo 5 who came to Earth in a Silver Machine to teach the human race about universal love, galactic harmony and NVQ Level 2 bricklaying. Taking their name from the excessive flatulence that characterises their species, the band rapidly gained a following thanks to their soaring riffs, exotic sci-fi themed lyrics and special two-for one offers on masonry tools...

 More: www.bleeding-obvious.co.uk/rock/articles/hawkwind.php