Age

In the last of his series of lectures, Dr Adolphous Bongo looks to the future, and finds that the only consolation of spending his declining years sitting in his own filth in the day lounge of some third rate retirement home is the prospect that his razor sharp brain will have deteriorated to such a point that he will no longer have the capacity to care.

"Immortality is not necessarily such an attractive proposition. Take a look at the people around you. Go on, do it now. Ask yourself: do you really want those people hanging round forever?"

The Bongo Lectures

Inside the Nun Factory

If, like me, you thought that nuns grew on trees, you’ll be fascinated to learn the truth behind these be-wimpled denizens of the ecclesiastical aristocracy. What began as a cottage industry has grown into a multi-million pound manufacturing concern. And demand is growing, with UK nun exports having risen by three hundred per cent in the last ten years.

Check out the secrets of industrial nun fabrication here.

Want to know more? Our handy guide to standard British nuns is a must for the serious nun spotter.

Brain Surgery

Let Dr Bongo take a wrench to your brain valve and tighten your think nuts - he knows what he's doing. Or at least he thinks he does, and we're not inclined to argue with him when he's swinging a spanner about.

"Fixing a brain is very much like fixing a car, and just as every car is different, so is every brain. The brain of one of your proper intellectuals - like an actual professor, for instance - is a top of the range luxury saloon. Every part is precision tooled, and the whole thing is designed to operate at the very peak of its performance. Working on such an advanced machine takes years of experience and meticulous preparation. Most of my patients, on the other hand, are more easily compared to an old banger, and can usually be sorted out with one really good belt from a big hammer."

Brain Surgery