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Age

In the last of his series of lectures, Dr Adolphous Bongo looks to the future, and finds that the only consolation of spending his declining years sitting in his own filth in the day lounge of some third rate retirement home is the prospect that his razor sharp brain will have deteriorated to such a point that he will no longer have the capacity to care.

"Immortality is not necessarily such an attractive proposition. Take a look at the people around you. Go on, do it now. Ask yourself: do you really want those people hanging round forever?"

The Bongo Lectures

Inside the Nun Factory

If, like me, you thought that nuns grew on trees, you’ll be fascinated to learn the truth behind these be-wimpled denizens of the ecclesiastical aristocracy. What began as a cottage industry has grown into a multi-million pound manufacturing concern. And demand is growing, with UK nun exports having risen by three hundred per cent in the last ten years.

Check out the secrets of industrial nun fabrication here.

Want to know more? Our handy guide to standard British nuns is a must for the serious nun spotter.

Brain Surgery

Let Dr Bongo take a wrench to your brain valve and tighten your think nuts - he knows what he's doing. Or at least he thinks he does, and we're not inclined to argue with him when he's swinging a spanner about.

"Fixing a brain is very much like fixing a car, and just as every car is different, so is every brain. The brain of one of your proper intellectuals - like an actual professor, for instance - is a top of the range luxury saloon. Every part is precision tooled, and the whole thing is designed to operate at the very peak of its performance. Working on such an advanced machine takes years of experience and meticulous preparation. Most of my patients, on the other hand, are more easily compared to an old banger, and can usually be sorted out with one really good belt from a big hammer."

Brain Surgery

New Old Stuff

Having spent the last few years languishing in the dark cobwebbed recesses of a forgotten hard drive, over thirty articles have been made available once more in our brand new third archive. Now benefiting from new artwork and the occasional tweak, these articles first appeared between 2000 and 2006.

Read about Edward Smiley's Cold Fusion Sandwiches, read Belinda Sommers' review of Barney's Magic Wonder Show, or about the Ladies of Melton Mowbray Rotary Club and their attempt to track down the yeti and give it a makeover.

There's the latest news from the Fish Olympics, a chance to get hold of a quality professionally grown beard, and a disturbing report on the latest outbreaks of cake rage.

Check out the archive here.

Pork

"We do still have an obligation to tackle the obese. And by that, I don't mean that we should leap on them as they waddle down the street. Tempting though it is to wrestle fatty to the ground and scream obscenities at him for his own good, I would not personally attempt it without protective clothing and heavy lifting gear."

This week Dr Bongo debates the wisdom of shovelling a constant diet of cake and burgers down your gullet, and demonstrates his customary sympathy for those whose addictions outstrip their metabolisms.

The Bongo Lectures

Shopping

"If there's one thing that is guaranteed to reduce human civilisation to its knees, spread doom and pestilence across the face of the Earth and forever scatter all of mankind's mighty works to the four winds, it's shopping."

This week Dr Bongo discusses the agony of shopping, in a thinly veiled attempt to plug his DVD, Beating Cerebral Mildew.

"Quite why people are prepared to gather in great numbers in these cathedrals to the clueless is something I have never been able to fathom. Speaking as someone who prefers to stand apart from the baying throng, I fail to understand how these cretins can tolerate each other's company. In my own considered opinion - which, being a doctor, is both considered and considerable - the only factor that enables them to get through the day without one of their fellow citizens, in a moment of uncontrollable altruism, sticking a pick axe through their brains, is the shortage of decent pick axe shops."