Disposable Sausages

Wally Caruthers has invented the world's first disposable sausage.  The 'Caruthers Mk IV Expendable Meat Tube' is more streamlined than a traditional sausage and has a friction-minimising outer shell which enables it to be easily hidden behind furniture or whisked away by specially adapted vacuum tubes.  As we are unable to determine why Mr Caruthers should be so keen to get rid of sausages, we can only content ourselves with the observation that 'everyone's got to have a hobby'.

The History of Rock

Part 8: Queen

The year is 1740 and a mysterious figure arrives in the court of Louis XV. Baron Frederique Von Mercury is an artist, musician and alchemist of some considerable reputation...

More: http://www.bleeding-obvious.co.uk/rock/articles/queen.php

Great moments in Science -No 412

Milan 1933

Paul Dirac experiments by introducing pasta to his antipasto to see if they will mutually annihilate.  They don't.  All that happens is that Dirac makes a bit of a mess, is saddled with the cleaning bill then gets thrown out of the restaurant. 

The History of Rock

Part 7: Black Sabbath

When Tony Iommi was a widdle boy he ate rock and roll, slept rock and roll, breathed 100% enriched premium grade rock and roll...

More: http://www.bleeding-obvious.co.uk/rock/articles/sabbath.php

Lost

Controversial archaeologist Barry Schliemann has once again caused an outcry with the outrageous claim that there is an undiscovered Inca settlement on the outskirts of Dudley.  Critics have scornfully demanded to know why he thinks a lost outpost of a vanished South American people is likely to be found next to a an overgrown motorway slip road in the West Midlands, and in his defence Schliemann has pointed out that you can't get much more lost than that.

National Tombola

Congratulations to Mrs Gladys Womble of Hartlepool who has been awarded the contract to run the UK's National Tombola.  The National Tombola, which raises funds for charities and local projects, will be televised on Saturday nights, right after the lottery, and players will stand a chance of winning anything from a bottle of wine or a box of dark chocolate liqueurs to a non-slip bath mat or a Victoria sponge baked by Mrs Collins from the corner shop.  Mrs Womble is confident that the Tombola will raise enough money in its first six months to pay for a new bandstand in the memorial gardens, with perhaps some left over to give the community centre a new lick of paint.  The government, however, appear to have set their sights a little higher, their spokesman making it clear that they expected this initiative to fund the National Health Service for the next five years.

Pyramids

Gary Osmosis believes that Egyptian Pyramids are the fossilised remains of interstellar starships that once carried aliens to Earth, many years before the dawn of human civilisation.  Where Mr Osmosis differs from other lunatics is that he has the cash to put his ridiculous theories to the test, and after experimenting with a scale model of the Great Pyramid in a wind tunnel he concluded that it was 68% more aerodynamic than a bungalow.  Proof, so he believes, that a pyramid could easily cross vast intergalactic distances and drop safely through a planetary atmosphere.  His results also explain, so he says, why bungalows are hardly ever observed to do that kind of thing.  In fact, Mr Osmosis is so confident that his theory is correct that he now plans to build a full-sized fusion-driven pyramid to take him to Jupiter, where he will descend to the surface in a nuclear Taj Mahal and roam around the surface using a solar-powered stealth-enabled Stonehenge.

The History of Rock

Part 6: Pink Floyd

Since their formation in 1967 as the result of a chemical spillage at the London School of Economics, Pink Floyd has always been known as a highly experimental group...

More: http://www.bleeding-obvious.co.uk/rock/articles/floyd.php

Dog Wigs

Anger has erupted at the news that a laboratory in Essex has been testing wigs on dogs.  The testing of clothing on animals was banned in Europe in 2004 following a number of high profile cases involving kittens in puffer jackets, hamsters wearing wellington boots and 'trout trousers'.  In this latest incident the laboratory, owned and operated by rug manufacturer Wriggley's Wigs, have got around the ban by claiming that the wigs are medical appliances rather than items of clothing. 

Campaigner Paddy Barker of the charity Pets Against Pullovers, wants this loophole closed.  "There's nothing more shameful than seeing a Basset Hound wearing a beehive or a Great Dane in dreadlocks,"  she said.  "It's a horrifying reminder of mankind's cruelty to his fellow creatures."

A spokesman for Wriggley's Wigs, however, remained unrepentant.  "The work we are doing here is vital to so many vain and insecure middle-aged men who are going prematurely bald.  No more will they have to suffer the horror of a strangely immobile, oddly-coloured toupee.   Or, heaven forbid, the shame of the comically windswept comb-over.  And if it means that an Alsatian has to spend an uncomfortable few minutes in an Afro, or a Doberman is spotted grinning stupidly whilst wearing pigtails or a blonde mullet, then I for one think it's worth the sacrifice."

Tracey's Mobile Hair Salon

Troubled by unruly flyaway hair?  Do you struggle with those difficult-to-tame locks?   If your wayward curls are a little more mobile than you'd like, then call Tracey Domestos of Tracey's Mobile Hair Salon.  Tracey has been hunting rogue hair ever since she shot her first mullet in Kenya at the tender age of 6. Here's what some of her recent clients had to say:

"Tracey is a real wonder.  She tracked my ponytail halfway across town before cornering it an alley and rendering it temporarily insensible with a brick."

-Marcus Plank, Salisbury-

"I thought my pixie crop was lost forever, until Tracey eventually discovered it living in a cave in the Peak District, where it had survived the winter on a diet of pickled onion Monster Munch and bits of old twig."

-Denise Von Sydow, also Salisbury-

"When my beard went missing I thought my life was over.  But then Tracey correctly deduced that it had fallen down the back of the sink during a DIY misadventure.  She coaxed it out with a piece of cheese, and now we're getting married in the spring."

-Clifton S Bridge,  Andover (nr Salisbury)-

-Tracey's Mobile Hair Salon-

We're buggered if we can think of a strapline.

The History of Rock

Part 5: David Bowie

David Bowie fell to Earth in 1969 and promptly set about laying waste to human civilisation with his powerful heat ray. Oh, the humanity. However, when it was explained to him that this sort of thing was terribly bad form, he realised his faux pas and turned the whole thing in...

More: http://www.bleeding-obvious.co.uk/rock/articles/bowie.php