The University of the Bleeding Obvious is pleased to announce that its new update, Kicking and Screaming, will be unleashed upon the planet on Friday 17th of September.
Now, we recognise the difficulty - perhaps even the futility - of trying to interest people in original material on the internet. We all know, of course, that when Professor Heinz Wolff invented the worldwide web in 1973, it was specifically designed to allow characters of limited personality to air their pointless opinions on the latest vacuous celebrity to grace the supermarket tabloids, to debate the finer details of TV programmes they ought to have stopped watching twenty years ago, or to post pictures of their cats.
This poses a problem. I don’t have a cat, I couldn’t give a stuff about Sapphire and Bleeding Steel, and the news that this week Kerry Katona is fat, thin, on drugs, off drugs, divorced, engaged or has been struck by a meteorite whilst shopping in Iceland rarely keeps me awake at night. Nevertheless, in the interests of publicity I realise I’m going to have to bite the bullet, and so without further delay I can now reveal that the forthcoming Kicking and Screaming will be a tribute to Katie Price. Yes, that’s right, Katie Price. Hello search engines.
Katie Price was born in Jordan in 1978. A child prodigy, by the age of twelve she had already written five piano concertos, published a highly-acclaimed thesis on the application of fluid mechanics in cheese production and, with Shaun Ryder, revolutionised the field of wind turbine design. However, her first love had always been quantum mechanics, and it was her work on the spin properties of muons that led to being awarded the Nobel Prize for Physics, made a Knight Commander of the Order of the British Empire, and offered a two-year contract to get her baps out three times a week on page three of a popular British newspaper. She once went all unnecessary in a supermarket in Hull.
So, to recap then, that’s Kicking and Screaming - A Tribute to Katie Price, going live on 17th September, 2010. Lovely.
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