Shopping

"If there's one thing that is guaranteed to reduce human civilisation to its knees, spread doom and pestilence across the face of the Earth and forever scatter all of mankind's mighty works to the four winds, it's shopping."

This week Dr Bongo discusses the agony of shopping, in a thinly veiled attempt to plug his DVD, Beating Cerebral Mildew.

"Quite why people are prepared to gather in great numbers in these cathedrals to the clueless is something I have never been able to fathom. Speaking as someone who prefers to stand apart from the baying throng, I fail to understand how these cretins can tolerate each other's company. In my own considered opinion - which, being a doctor, is both considered and considerable - the only factor that enables them to get through the day without one of their fellow citizens, in a moment of uncontrollable altruism, sticking a pick axe through their brains, is the shortage of decent pick axe shops."

"I don't like to blow my own trumpet - I have a man who comes in twice a week to do that for me, and a lady down the road very kindly shakes my maracas every third Sunday."

This week Dr Bongo addresses the issue of speed: what happens to people when they travel very very fast and, more importantly, what's left of them after they suddenly stop.

The Bongo Lectures: Speed

"We have strong indications that travelling at speed causes shrinkage to the human frame. In some cases, our subjects were as much as two feet shorter following the high velocity test, although it is unclear at this point whether this is a result of the actual journey, or the steel reinforced wall that we used to stop them at the other end."

Pianos

Falling pianos are the number one cause of accidents in the home, or at least that's what Dr Bongo told us. Admittedly, he was trying to sell us the Bongo patented piano resistant helmet at the time. Perhaps foolishly, we declined to invest in this precaution, and although we have yet to be worried by pianos, falling or otherwise, we were distressed to learn that our cleaning lady was struck by a tuba last Thursday afternoon. I know, astonishing isn't it - we have a cleaning lady.

Anyhow, Dr Bongo discusses the dangers of falling pianos in his latest lecture, which you can apply to your ears by following this link: http://www.bleeding-obvious.co.uk/bongo/playerpop.php

Implants

"Have you ever thought what it might be like to turn on the television just by snapping your fingers? How about opening the fridge by nodding your head? And just imagine the surprise of your friends, if you have any, when you demonstrate your extraordinary ability to start your car by deploying a discreet fart."

Doctor Bongo once again demonstrates that he operates on a higher level to most mortal men, especially if that operation involves sticking bits of machinery into innocent strangers.

www.bleeding-obvious.co.uk/bongo/playerpop.php

1.02 Soap

Episode 2 of Doctor Bongo's 13 part guide to everything you need to know about everything is now available. This week Dr Bongo tells us about soap and, more importantly, how he deals with people who have an apparent allergy to it.

"There certainly seems to be something nasty about it anyway, or why else would the reeking crap-stained rabble that drag their begrimed bodies into my surgery day after stinking day go to such lengths to avoid it?"

Get it at www.drbongo.co.uk or find it on iTunes

Fruit

The first of Dr Bongo's hotly anticipated lectures to the nation - any nation - is here. The eminent physician waxes lyrical about the merits of fruit, and ultimately concludes that they haven't any.

"I keep it basic, obviously, since if you start with the assumption that everyone around you is a retard, you rarely ever need to explain yourself twice."

Dr B shares his thoughts about the dangers of carrots, hints at the waywardness of plums and fails to explain how he managed to end up on the same bill as Bon Jovi.

"I shall rejoice when we finally see the ratification of a treaty to ban the international use of watermelons, and the harshest penalties for all those who persist in deploying these saturated citric death pods."

Point your ears towards www.drbongo.co.uk or subscribe here

Coming Friday 7th October

New to The University of the Bleeding Obvious, this Friday 7th October sees the first in a series of 13 weekly podcasts by our eminent colleague, Doctor Adolphous Bongo. Over the coming weeks, Dr Bongo will address matters as diverse as Alien Abduction, Soap, Children and Remotely Activated Biometric Implants. In his first broadcast, Dr Bongo will make his feelings known on the subject of fruit, paying particular attention to why he thinks it is the work of the devil.

"Carrots are sharp and pointy, and you could easily have someone’s eye out. Best to avoid carrots completely, unless you envisage some kind of vegetable-based organic knife-fight scenario."

Dr Bongo's lecture on fruit will be available at www.drbongo.co.uk from 07/10/11.